Jokes About Doctors
- "I don't like your heart action," the doctor said, applying a stethoscope again. "You have had some trouble with angina pectoris, haven't you?"
"You're right in a way, Doctor," said the young man sheepishly, "only that isn't her name."
- John:"Doctor, lately I hear only half as good as I suppose to".
Doctor:"I don't understand that, but lets try a small test. Say after me: eighty-eight".
- Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
- A guy with a banana in his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a carrot in his right ear goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, what is wrong with me"? The doctor says, "You're not eating right".
- Doctor - "Deep breathing, you understand, destroys microbes."
Patient - "But, doctor, how can I force them to breathe deeply?"
- A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
- Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
- A patient had an automobile phobia, and his psychiatrist (a bit old-fashioned) said, "If you had a horse you wouldn't have to drive a car.
"But, Doc," he protested, "Horses can't drive cars!"
- Two chemists meet for the first time at a symposium. One is American, one is British.
The British chemists asks the American chemist, "So what do you do for research?"
The American responds, "Oh, I work with arsoles."
The Brit responds, "Yes, sometimes my colleagues get on my nerves also."
(for those who don't know, an arsole is a ringed molecule, the ring containing 4 carbon atoms and an atom of arsenic)
- A lady had just finished doing her CPR course and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the shopping centre she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people around her. Screaming "I know first aid" she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened all tight clothing a got ready to start mouth-to-mouth.
A this stage a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and asked "Do you mind I am trying to arrest this man.
- An accountant is having a hard time sleeping so he sees his doctor about the problem and says, "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night!"
"Well," suggests his doctor, "Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem -- I make a mistake and spend the next six hours trying to find it!"
- An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man to his teepee. After a brief examination, the
medicine man cut off a thong of elk hide from his belt and gave
it to the chief, instructing him to bit off, chew and swallow
1" of leather every day.
After one month, the medicine man returned to see how the
chief was feeling. The chief answered, "the thong is ended,
but the malady lingers on."
- A man tells his doctor, "l feel like a pair of curtains"
The doctor replies, "Pull your self together, man"
- Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.
- Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to keep it in?
Certainly - how about a paper bag?
- Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
- Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together!
- Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!
- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
Get back in the queue.
- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
One at a time, please.
- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture
- Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory.
When did it happen?
When did what happen?
- Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall I do?
Well, for a start, don't point him at me.
- At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw #@$% you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
- A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
- I'm sure you can imagine, it's as simple as can be.
The room was very quite, the players he and she.
She says will it hurt, of course not he replies.
It's quite a simple process, now lay back and close your eyes.
As he pushed it in, and dug it deep, and pulled it out with force,
She screamed so loud and long, he thought she would go hoarse.
He tried gently to convince her, that it wouldn't hut much more,
But as he pushed and pulled, she was getting mighty sore.
It was getting awfully painful, and tears rolled out her eyes
And she knew it was much bigger now, than its original size.
My it hurts so bad she said, his face nothing but a grin
Now open a little wider he said, so I can get it deeper in.
With one final push and pull, she gave a giant scream
Don't worry it's all over know, he said looking long and lean.
Now if you read this very carefully, it's a dentist you will find
and not what's been going on, in your dirty little mind.
- One of the best multi-puns I've heard is about the fellow who goes to his
dentist complaining that something feels very wrong in his mouth. The
dentist takes a look and shakes his head saying, "That new upper plate I
put in for you six months ago is completely disintegrated. Something has
eroded it almost completely away. What have you been eating?" The fellow
replies, " Well, all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife
made some asparagus and put some stuff on it she called Hollandaise sauce.
I loved it so much that now I eat it on everything; my meat, my fish, on
vegetables, on toast....on everything!"
"Well," said the dentist, "that's the answer. Hollandaise sauce is made
with lots of lemon juice which is highly corrosive and that has eaten away
your upper plate. I'll have to make you a new one and this time I'd better
make it out of chrome."
"Why chrome?" asked the patient.
To which the dentist replied.......
"Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
An animal orthodontist who practiced in Iowa was called one day by a frantic
farmer in Australia. "HELP sir!" he cried, "I just got braces and orthodontic
equipment for 100 of my sheep, and the local sheep orthodontist just DIED!
I need a responsible animal dentist to come care for my flock!"
The orthodontist was moved, and a good price was offered, so he promptly
flew to Australia for what he figured would be a week or two of work.
But he found that he was entirely unfamiliar with the orthodontic
equipment the sheep had been given, and he spent a whole 6 months
in Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces. When at last
he boarded a plane for home, after half a year of frustrating work,
he sighed with happiness. "At last", he said,"I'll be seeing ewes
in all the old familiar braces!"
- Lady seats herself in the dentist's chair and tells the dentist, "I'd just as soon have a baby as have a tooth filled".
Dentist replies, "Make up your mind, lady so I'll know how to adjust this chair"
- Why did the king visit the dentist?
To get his crown fixed.
- Dentists are happiest when they're down in the mouth.
- Upon receiving the bill for the extraction of a tooth, the patient phoned his dentist and complained, "This is three times what you normally charge!"
The dentist replied, "I know, but you yelled so loud, you scared away two patients.
- During a family dinner, Kathy, the dentist, was lecturing the group about our flossing habits. Her brother Jim said, "Well, flossing is a pain in the rear."
"Then you're definitely not doing it right," Kathy replied.
- Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to his dentist?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie...
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.
What to do you call an old dentist?
A bit long in the tooth
- What the Doctor says - What the Doctor really means
1."This should be taken care of right away."
"I've planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."
2."Wellllll, what have we here....?"
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."
4."Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before I spend anymore time with you."
5."Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon, then I've got a date."
"I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."
6."I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologists also say this a lot.)
8."We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW; the bad news is you're going to pay for it.
9."Let's see how it develops."
"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."
10."Let me schedule you for some tests."
"I have a 40% interest in the lab."
11."I'd like to have my associate look at you."
"He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."
12."How are we today?"
"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like crap."
13."I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."
14."If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"I don't know what it is, maybe it will go away by itself."
15."That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"I think I'm going to throw up."
16."This may smart a little."
"Last week, two patients bit through their tongues."
17."Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
"I can't remember your name, nor why you are here."
18."This should fix you up."
"The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."
19."Everything seems to be normal."
"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."
20."I'd like to run some more tests."
"I can't figure out what's wrong, maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."
21."Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
He thinks your crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.
22."Why don't you slip out of your things."
"I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm my fingers up somehow."
"I haven't had a good laugh all day."
23."If these symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week."
24."There's a lot of that going around."
"My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."
- At a medical convention, a male doc, and a female doc start eyeing each other out.
The male doc asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses her self to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.
Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands".
She then says "I bet you're an anaesthetist". Male doc: "Wow, how did you guess?" Female doc: "I didn't feel a thing"
- A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing," he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."
The doctor was examining the trick knee of his pretty young patient when he said, "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?"
An attractive young woman who had just had surgery performed on her asked the doctor, "Will the scar show?" The doctor replied, "That's entirely up to you."
A doctor said to his patient, "Well, your leg is swollen, but I wouldn't worry about it." The patient replied, "No, and if your leg were swollen I wouldn't worry about it either."
A man kept going to the eye doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. He said, "Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can't drink tea." So the patient said, "But I love tea." The doctor replied, "Okay, as long as you take the spoon out."
As 93-year old man marries an 18-year old girl. His doctor tells him, "The age difference in your marriage could be fatal." After thinking a moment the old man replied, "Well if she dies, she dies."
While sitting on the train one day, the man next to me started screaming, "Call me a doctor! Call me a doctor!" I asked, "Are you sick?" "No," he replied, "I just graduated from medical school."
- A Dwarf rushes into doctors surgery - "Doctor doctor, you've got to help me: every day I get smaller and smaller". The Doctor replies - "Sorry, but I can't help you straight away: you'll have to be a little patient"
- A patient goes for a checkup and says, "Doctor, I'm having trouble breathing." The doctor responds, "I'll give you something to stop that."
- This guy goes to the doctor for a check up. He gets checked out and the doctor comes in later and says Sir, I've got some really really good news and some really really bad news. And the guy says OK, what's the really really bad news. And the doctor says I'm sorry to tell you this sir, but you've only got 2 weeks to live. The guy breaks down crying saying Oh my God! 2 weeks to live! What am I going to do? He calms down a bit and asks the doctor, Well, what's the really really good news. And the doctor says See that blonde secretary over there with the big tits? I fucked her last night!
- DOCTOR: I've got some bad news and I've got some really bad news.
PATIENT: Give me the bad news first.
DOCTOR: Well, you have about twenty-four hours to live I'm afraid.
PATIENT: That's terrible, what's the really bad news?
DOCTOR: I've been trying to call you since yesterday...
- The doctor wanted to write a prescription, so he reached in his pocket and
pulled out a thermometer. "Shit," he muttered, "Some asshole has my pen."
- It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
- Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physcian, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.
After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
- What's the difference between a doctor and God?
God doesn't think he's a doctor.
- A woman said, "Kiss me doctor!"
Doctor said, "I can't as we doctors have an ethics standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn't be fucking you."
- As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
- The two doctors found their new patient in a strong perspiration, and both their hands under the bed-clothes in order to feel his pulse, but, by accident, got hold of each other's hand.
"Nothing serious," said one doctor.
"He's probably drunk," said the other doctor.
- Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.
- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.
- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that??!
- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together man!
- Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?
- Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
- Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?
- Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!!!
And how long have you had this complaint?
- Doctor! Doctor! My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.
- "Old Brown won't live long; he has one leg in the grate."
"You mean one leg in the grave."
"No; he's going to be cremated."
- What does a gynecologist do when he feels sentimental?
He looks up an old girlfriend.
- What does a dog and a short sighted gynecologist have in common?
They both have wet noses.
- What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common?
They can smell it but they can't take a taste.
- Here's another one that I heard a while back: Why do women like old gynecologists better?
Because their hands shake.
- What do a gynecologist and a baker have in common?
When they finish a job, they can lick their tools.
- "You followed my prescriptions, of course?"
"Indeed I did not, doctor, for I should have broken my neck."
"Broken your neck!"
"Yes, for I threw your prescription out of a third floor window."
- Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I
keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID YOU STUPID F**K!!!!!
- Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.
- Miss Jones (after an appendectomy) - "Oh, Doctor, will the scar show?"
Doctor - "Not if you're careful."
- Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
- Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a spoon.
Sit still and don't stir.
- A gynecologist comes home from work.
His wife says, "Are you tired?"
He says, "Whew. I'm bushed."