- A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
- Why is the letter "A" like noon?
Because it's in the middle of the day.
- Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
- Q: If you are Russian before you enter the bathroom and Finnish after you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
A: European
- Q:What did zero say to eight?
A: Nice belt.
(The 8 looks like a 0 with a belt around its waist.)
- My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
- Where does a boxer who weighs 135 kilograms sit on a bus?
Wherever he wants to.
- A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
- Q: Which 'BUS' could cross the ocean?
A: Columbus!
- Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
- A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
- A young man comes before the Customs agent.
A: "State your citizenship."
B:"American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."
B: "I sed American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you I"m American."
- A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it. Make a sentence with the following colors: green, pink and yellow."
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-laws house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and sed yellow!"
- Q: Ten copycats were sitting in a boat, and one jumped out. How many were left?
A: None. They were all copycats.
Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A: A jeweler sells watches. A jailer watches cells.
- Q.Where do cows go for entertainment?
A.They go to the mooovies!
- Q: Why didn't the farmer cry when his dairy cow fell off the cliff?
A: There's no use crying over split milk.
- This joke may be good for high-level science majors.
What do you call a test tube that graduates from high school?
A graduated cylinder
- Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A:He didn't have anybody to take. (any BODY)
- Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Why bother, he won't come anyway.
- Q: What would the pig say when its tailed was held tight by the farmer who had a sharp knife in his other hand?
A: "That's the end of me!"
- Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
- Why are baseball stadiums so cool?
There is a fan in every seat.
- Q: Why do birds fly south in the fall?
A: Because it's too far to walk!
- A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
- Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
- Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
- Q: What a bee says when it gets in the hive?
A: Hi Honey! I'm home!
- Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
- [This one works best when spoken aloud.]
Once upon a time a mother skunk had two children named "In" and "Out". They were very active children and whenever In was in, Out was out. When Out was in, In was out.
One day when Out was in and In was out, the mother skunk said "Out, go out and find In and tell In to come in." Out went out to find In to bring In back in. Within a minute, Out came back in from going out and Out brought In right back in.
Amazed, the mother skunk said, "Out, you just went out to find In and brought In right back in! How did you do it?"
To this, Out replied "Instinct!" [In stinked]
- A: How do you like your new job at the cemetery?
B: I quit after a week. I found the work too frustrating.
A: What happened?
B: No matter what I said to the customers, they were always dead right!
- Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
- Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
- What's the longest word in the dictionary?
Rubber-band -- because it streches.
Why did the chewing-gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chickens foot.
- A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."
(Present continuous / just for fun)
- One day a man went to see the Mozart's tomb.
When he got there, the tomb was open and Mozart was sitting there tearing up pieces of paper.
The men asked: "What are you doing with all of your great works of music?"
Mozart repied, "I'm decomposing!".
- Boyfriend: What is your favorite music group?
Girlfriend: I love U2!
Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your favorite music group?
- Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut !
- A student, who is studying English as a foreign language, was confused when he saw the words "open here" on a box of laundry soap, so he asks the clerk, "Can't I wait until I get home to open it?"
- Student to teacher," Are 'pants' singular or plural?"
Teacher, "They're singular on top and plural on the bottom."
- Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
- 2) What do cows like to read?
- The mooooospaper
- Q: What do you call a witch at the beach?
A: A sandwich.
- Lynn: Tom's always running into cars in front of him at traffic lights making dents.
Max: Is he really? A wreckless type, huh? What does he do for a living?
Lynn: He is a dent-ist.
(If the student can also speak Japanese, then continue the joke.)
Max: I suppose he's had to pay a lot in damages.
Lynn: No. He usually says "sorry" and gets away with it.
Max: Don't they complain?
Lynn: It may be strange, but they don't.
Max: What are they afraid of?
Lynn: They're afraid of shikaeshi from the dentist!
(For those of you who don't speak Japanese, "shikaeshi" means revenge or getting back at someone while "shikaishi," which sounds similar, refers to a dentist.)
- On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
- 3)What is the longest word?
-Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last s.
- Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
- Q: In what state does it cost the most to live in?
A: Expennsylvania.
- 1) Where does Dracula stay when he goes to New York City?
- The Vampire State building.
- Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
- Question: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
Answer: A teapot.
- One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.
- Three tomatoes are walking down the street, a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. The baby tomato is lagging behind the poppa and momma tomato. The poppa tomato gets mad, goes over to the momma tomato and stamps on him --
(STAMPS on the ground)
-- and says: catch up.
- (After teaching about telling time)
Teacher: What time is it?
Students: Umm, eight fifty-nine?
Teacher: Nope.
Students: About nine o'clock?
Teacher: No.
Students: What then?
Teacher: It's time to go home.
- Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
- There was a man who has two dogs, named 'commonsense' and 'trouble'. He always brought his dogs to the park every evening. One day, he only brought 'trouble' to the park, and left 'commonsense' at home. while the man was so happy playing 'frisbee' with his friends, 'commonsense' disappeared. The man was so sad and panicky. He looked for his dog everywhere but could not find it. A lady realised it and asked the man, "What are you looking for?". The man replied "I'm looking for 'trouble'...". "pardon..", said the lady. The man replied in a higher tone "I am looking for 'TROUBLE'". The lady was annoyed and asked "Where's your COMMONSENSE?". The man whose mind was only about his dogs, answered "At home..."
- English Teacher: "Johnny, the clock on the wall is not working, but you have a watch. What time is it?"
Johnny: "2 o'watch."
- What are the two strongest days of the week?
They are Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weak (week) days.
- Here's an old joke (revamped for EFL classes).
Three EFL students are walking down the road to their remedial listening comprehension workshop.
"It's windy" says the first.
"No it isn't, it's Thursday" says the second.
"Me too." says the third, "Forget the listening, let's go for a drink!"
- A: What is the word that everybody always says wrong?
B: "Wrong".
- Q: What has three feet but no legs or arms?
A: A yard.
Q: What has a heads and tails but no legs?
A: Coins.
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