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GRE写作典型问题实例剖析 |
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| www.iselong.com 日期：2006-03-05 21:24
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多将考网友给我参阅的习作，其中许多问题具有典型性和普遍性，特地劈一块帖子
给大家参考，希望引起大家警惕和关注，其中有许多具有很大的危害性，比如第一篇的
结构混乱，大家一定要注意在考场上避免。希望这篇短帖能给将赴考场的考生以帮助。
Hello 我4月9日就要考作文了 我将我写的一篇issue贴在下面 麻烦 能不能帮我看
看这样的文章能得多少分 还有 我还需要在什么方面下功夫？ 不胜感激！
12"People's attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or
surroundings than by any internal characteristic."
Both the immediate situation or surroundings and the internal
characteristic decide the attitudes of the people to some extent. （有效回
应）The former is outer factor and the latter is inner one. At present, the
discussion on which factor has more influence on people's attitudes gains
much （应该是more）attention. I agree that the inner factor--internal
characteristic influences more. （第二次回应，说明这种赞同是有倾向性的，作者
偏向内因，修正首句回应）（冗赘重复influence和more，用does即可,简短有力）
注：首段有效回应，虽然没有什么新意，但是对于写作基础差的考生来说，开门见山永
远是上策。最忌的就是没有过硬的回应技巧而一味追求出格的新意，从而跑题。然而作
者的文句干巴是明显的，具体表现在表述累赘和重复上（repetition）。比如末句表达
倾向时，作者可以借用一些常见的表达式，比如Granted the opportunity to pick
up one of the both by the judgment of greater power authorized, I’m apt to
the latter, the intrinsic human nature.)
On the one hand, it is undeniable that the immediate situation or
surroundings is an important aspect that people will consider about when
they make decision. (阐明本段主旨是论述外界环境的作用，明显是为后面强调内因
的作用让步) However, it is only the outer factor, and the final decision
largely bases on the inner factor that is their internal characteristic.
（无意义的重复首段，用转折表达本段真正段意，不可取）In other words, the
outer factor just likes the activator and the inner factor is the reagent
in a chemistry reaction. The reagents determine the reaction process and
what we can get from it but the activator can do no more than accelerating
or decelerating the speed of it. （句式杂糅，what 从句残缺，而且前面另一杂糅
句the activator can后面应该接动词原形，因而两个动词都应改为accelerate,
decelerate.）For example, when we choose our occupation, we probably will
do a research on the aspects about salary level and well-being condition
and working environment （and 冗余，前面第一个and应该改为逗号“，”）among
the companies that we want to work in. These aspects are outer factors.
What we consider most is whether we are able to do the job asked by the
respective （错用词汇，应该是prospective）company and we are very likely to
choose the job of the company accordingly to （应该改为in accordance with,
或者according with, 其他相关表达有conform to, correspond to）our ability
which is （不要过多使用which is这类疑问代词表达式，可以用逗号或者省略来转
化，这里宜改用逗号“，”）the inner factor in the end and regard a （去掉a）
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